November 4, 2011

• This Morning

  I woke up at 5:00 a.m. with another excruciating headache. I couldn't help but wonder if it was somehow related to my Aunt Butchie...since the last time a headache woke me up, she was scheduled for brain surgery I had no clue about. I lay awake in bed, head throbbing, praying she wasn't in pain. I prayed that my headache would worsen if it would lessen hers. I thought about her in her house and wondered what room she was in. I wondered if there were soft red embers glowing in one of the fireplaces. I ran several scenes of memories with Aunt Butchie through my head. Felt a million feelings, smelled her, smelled her house, could imagine her hollering at my Uncle Charles and broke into quiet sobs. During my early childhood, my Mom's mother (my Mamaw) lived in Georgia while we lived in Texas. Wheeler wasn't full of my Mom's family as it had been before or as it is now. Mamaw Bradshaw (my great grandmother) and Aunt Butchie & Uncle Charles were there. I know at least one of my Great Great Aunts was there, but I only have one memory of her and her house. But my Aunt Butchie & Uncle Charles are dominant figures in my childhood. I remember staying with Mamaw Bradshaw and running back and forth between her house and Aunt Butchie's. Aunt Butchie & Uncle Charles spoiled me like a grandkid. Looking back on things, I had no shame when it came to asking something of Aunt Butchie...just like Caden has no shame in asking his Bam for anything he wants. I treated her just like I did my own grandmothers. I loved spending the night at her house. I looked forward to Frosted Flakes for breakfast. I swear I don't buy a box without thinking of her and experiencing a moment of transcendental meditation. Aunt Butchie gets a kick out of telling me things I did or said when I was little. Embarrassing things, like how I was uber obsessed with making sure my peach was clean when I took a bath and how when she asked me to bend over and pick something up for her I asked "Well can't you bend?" She has been present in my life from day one, literally. I spent countless hours with her as a small child. I drove her nuts for hours on end in her flower shop. I always asked for a flower and she always gave me one before I left. I remember my Mom getting onto me for always asking for flowers. I remember thinking how absurd my Mom was for thinking my Aunt Butchie didn't want to give me a flower. I get where my Mom was coming from now, but I remember thinking it was ridiculous not to ask Aunt Butchie for anything I wanted. She loved me and I loved her. Almost all holidays were spent at their house. I loved going to their house. I remember being so intrigued when they had friends over for Trivial Pursuit. I wasn't allowed to play because it was for "adults." As soon as I became an adult, I got a game for myself. I love Trivial Pursuit, probably because of my young fascination with it. My Mamaw and Aunt Butchie took me to meet my brother when he was born in Amarillo. Aunt Butchie was just as excited as my Mamaw. I was at her house fooling around outside. When it came time to go, the "grandmothers" were so mad. I had a new sweat suit on and had gotten completely muddy. My Mamaw spanked me, I'm certain that Aunt Butchie would've spanked me if Mamaw hadn't been there to defer to. Birthin babies is such a special, nerve racking deal...I just didn't quite understand it then. Aunt Butchie and Uncle Charles were like family to my Dad before my Mom ever moved from Georgia to Texas. I remember being little and they showed my Dad no less love than they did my Mom. My memories are of a close comfortableness.  I feel blessed to have developed a special bond with her from an early age. Even though we moved from Wheeler and I saw very little of Aunt Butchie, she was always there for me when big things happened. I remember being floored when I saw her & Uncle Charles at my high school graduation. They drove 300 miles to be there. I just couldn't believe it. She pridefully told me that she was there when I was born and it only made sense for her to be at my graduation.  I love it when she calls my Dad by his first and middle name. It reminds me of how connected and tight we once were and how connected we remain even though there are many miles between us.  I love my Aunt Butchie's fabulously unique laugh. I love nothing more when, every now and then, I hear traces of her laugh in my own. A few Tuesdays ago, I was driving and talking to Wesley on the phone. I laughed about something. It was her laugh and I immediately recognized it. After I got off the phone, I smiled and felt happy as I drove. For some reason, my black cardigan and black & white gingham shirt that I was wearing made me feel even more Aunt Butchie-ish. If I had had my Facebook activated I would have posted that I felt that way. Even though, I can do good impressions I can't just "do" her laugh whenever I want, it just happens. When I do channel her it always leaves an impression on me. I can precisely pinpoint the moment it happens. (The time before that I was in my laundry room.) Anyhow, I guess I like laughing like her because Aunt Butchie is one of the amazing women in my family that I aspire to be like...She is funny, classy, charming, stubborn, brave, cool, and simply amazing. When I stayed in Wheeler for a few weeks in '94 with my grandmother, I also spent quite a bit of time with Aunt Butchie. I rode to Amarillo in the backseat of her Camaro several times. I developed an obsession with Camaros after that...I still want a '98 SS. She has been a great role model for me. Her work ethic is rather amazing. She practically lived at the flower shop she once owned...and talk about talented. Her flower arrangements are works of art. Aunt Butchie has an eye for design. Her pieces are always CLASSY, just like her. I've seen her be so angry with something my Uncle has done and remain poised when most people would fly off the handle. She remained poised when I talked to her on the phone while as she watched a wildfire that had burned her son’s house down, burn just south of her house. She was upset, confused and heart-broken, but faithful and poised none the less. She's shown me what a great wife should be. She has shown me what great love is through her love of my Uncle. She has raised three wild boys. She exudes love and pride for all of her children and grandchildren. I love it when she talks about her kids, daughters in law, and grandkids. It makes me love them and her even more. She has talked to me and taught me about patience and letting go when it comes to raising a rough and tumble boy like Caden. After raising her boys and living with my Uncle Charles, I swear she is the boy whisperer. Her actions showed me how a grown daughter should selflessly care for their mother. I pray I'm half the daughter she was. She is a caring sister. She is honest. Aunt Butchie is a true Christian. She not only forgives, but forgets. If she knows someone is struggling, she sincerely prays. She doesn't have an "I can" attitude she has an "I'm going to" attitude. Some of my very favorite recipes come from her kitchen. She and my Uncle play host to a huge group of family. They make everyone feel perfectly at home. The provide the setting for the magic that is our family reunion. I'm so glad that I've spent hours on her front porch full of family. I'm grateful that I've also spent hours on her front porch with just her and the sound of the wind rustling the leaves of the giant cottonwoods. I'm grateful that for the moments when her house is full, the two of us do dishes, and share our own private moments together. I've learned a lot from her standing at that sink.   Aunt Butchie always makes me feel special. She has shown me unconditional love. What makes her so amazing is that she has made so many people feel special. The truth is, she has this incredibly huge heart and she truly cares for all those whom she shows affection. I like that when I was having a talk with Caden about his grandmother's...his Bam, Nana, and Mamaw that he said "Wait! Aunt Butchie is my grandmother, too!" He was right, she hasn't just been an Aunt to me, she has been a grandmother. That's how awesome her love is...she loves so deeply and sincerely that kids just assume she must be another grandmother. I love my Aunt Butchie. These stupid words just don’t even begin to scratch the surface of how deep my love her for is. I can’t explain what it feels like to be wrapped up in one of her hugs. She has touched me, touched my life. Made it better. She occupies a giant piece of my heart. Why, why can't I find the words? The most perfect words that are deserving of how wonderful she is, how important she is to me, and so many others? My sweet Aunt that I write about has a hard battle in front of her. I pray daily for nothing short of a miracle. I don't think a miracle is too much to ask for someone who has done so much for so many. I don't think it's too much to ask you to pray for her, too. After all, I can promise you that if I asked her to pray for you, she would. I’m going to see her this weekend. I’m to understand that she has been getting a kick out of having cards read to her. If you want to leave her a message, a word of encouragement, feel free to comment. I will gladly read it to her. Love to all.

  • 6:51 pm
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